CHUCK NORRIS FACTS AND BLOND JOKES.
15 years, 2 months & 16 days ago
2nd Mar 2009 10:26 CHUCKNORRIS! ~>
*Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident...and still managed to walk it off.
*Chuck Norris can dribble a football.
*Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
*Chuck Norris had his tonsils removed with a chainsaw.
*Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice his steaks.
*Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toe. He accidentally breaks chairs, bed frames, and sidewalks.
*Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
*Chuck Norris eats steaks for every single meal. Most of the time he forgets to kill the cow.
*Chuck Norris makes onions CRY!
*There are no such things as tornadoes. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
*Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris once went sky diving and promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
*Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
*Do you know why Baskin Robins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
*Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
*Chuck Norris >can< touch MC Hammer.
*Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
*When Chuck Norris falls in water, he doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
*Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
*Chuck Norris can eat just ONE Lay's potato chip.
*The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
*Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.
**Chuck Norris has a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is scared of the dark, but the dark is scared of Chuck Norris.
*If you spell "Chuck Norris" in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
*What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
*The following is a short list of things Chuck Norris cannot do: .
*Chuck Norris once taught a class called "A$$ Kicking 101". There were no survivors.
*Chuck Norris isn't funny, stop laughing.
*Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
*Chuck Norris is suing NBC for their show "Law & Order" claiming it is the trademarked names of his left and right legs.
*When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror, it breaks because it is smart enough to know not to get in the middle of Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
*A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
*The original name of the movie was Alien vs Predator vs Chuck Norris, but the producers realized that nobody would ever watch a movie that only lasted fourteen seconds.
*There is no 'Ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
*Chuck Norris can speak braille.
*Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
*Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
*Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
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Blonde jokes:
No offense to blondes.
Offended? Oh well.
???A blind man enters a lady's bar by mistake. Finding his way to the bar, he orders a drink. After a few drinks he yells, "Does anybody want to hear a blonde joke?" The place gets silent. Then a woman with a deep, husky voice sitting to the right of the man says, "Sir, since you are blind, I think it is only fair to let you know that The bartender is a blonde woman, the bouncer is a blonde woman, the woman on your left is blonde and a professional wrestler, I'm a six foot tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate, and the woman next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
"Nah," says the man. "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it FIVE times."
???A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet." So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
???A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over. The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse me, could I please see your driving license and registration?"
The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
???A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate roll her eyes and said, "HELLOOOOOOOO!!! You gotta roll up the windows first!!"
???Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks." The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks." The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.
???A blonde went to buy a pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please," she said.
"I could never eat twelve!"
???A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
"Why sure," said the manager, "I have a hanger you can use."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He then heard another voice from a blonde inside the car saying, "No, no! A little to the left."
???A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask them questions. On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, "What is 59 + 2?" The first blonde contestant responded by saying, "57?" The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!" Then they asked, "What is 15 - 5?" The blonde responded, "20, right?" Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!" The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, "What is 1 + 2?"
"3?" said the blonde.
The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
???Two blonde guys were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked them what they were doing. "We're supposed to measure the height of this flagpole," said Blonde Guy Number One. "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse and loosened some bolts. The guys helped her lay down the flagpole. Then the woman got a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and said, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Blonde Guy Number Two shook his head and laughed. "Isn't that just like a girl? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
???A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.
Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird.
"Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.
The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says,
"Where? Where?"
???There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big
heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.
???A wife and her blonde husband were trying to sleep, but the next door neighbor's dog was barking. This had been going on for months. Every night, the dog barked for hours, robbing them of sleep.
Finally, the blonde says, "I've had enough. I'm going
to do something about this." So he gets up, puts on his
robe and goes downstairs and out the back door. A little while later, he comes back.
"What did you do? The dog's still barking," says the wife.
"I put the dog in our back yard," says the blonde, "Let's see how THEY like it."
???Q. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A. So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
???Q. What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A. Spot.
???Q. How do you get a blonde to laugh at a joke on Saturday?
A. Tell it to her on Tuesday.
???Q: Why can't the blonde make ice cubes?
A: She lost the recipe.
???Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".
???Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
???Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".
???A blonde goes to the movies, and her boyfriend asks if she wants anything to eat. She says M&Ms. So he goes to get her some M&Ms. He comes back with them and gives them to her. She opens up the bag and pulls out all the brown ones and gives them to her boyfriend. Her boyfriend asks why she gave him all the brown ones, and she said "Oh I'm allergic to chocolate."
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