-=-=- Never go to bed angry... stay up and plot your revenge. -=-=- When life gives you lemons, throw them back and say you want oranges. ( -=-=- If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, why try? -=-=- I believe in free will - I have no choice. -=-=- If I throw a stick will you go away? -=-=- If a tree falls in a forest on a mime and no one is around, does he scream? -=-=- I'm just a chocolate bar... sweet but half nuts! -=-=- If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? -=-=- Do not follow in my footsteps. I walk into walls. -=-=- Being stupid isn't a bad thing, you're just overdoing it. -=-=- If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? -=-=- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? -=-=- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? -=-=- If olive oil is made of olives, then baby oil is made of... OMG! -=-=- People who live in glass houses should dress in the basement. -=-=- You have the Midas touch - everything you touch turns to a muffler. -=-=- What was the greatest thing BEFORE sliced bread? -=-=- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? -=-=- I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. -=-=- What's another word for thesaurus? -=-=- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. -=-=- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? -=-=- I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. -=-=- All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy. -=-=- They told me I was gullible. And I believed them. -=-=- A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, First let me see the sandwich. -=-=- Experience is the one thing you have left when everything else is gone. -=-=- I had amnesia once. Or twice. -=-=- I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. -=-=- Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. -=-=- What if there were no hypothetical questions? -=-=- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. -=-=- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. -=-=- How can there be self-help groups? -=-=- Is there another word for synonym? -=-=- Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? -=-=- Is it possible to be totally partial? -=-=- If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? -=-=- Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? -=-=- Show me a man with both feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. -=-=- Is it my imagination or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? -=-=- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. -=-=- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. -=-=- C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit. -=-=- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. -=-=- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone. -=-=- Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. -=-=- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? -=-=- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. -=-=- Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate. -=-=- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. -=-=- Give me ambiguity or give me something else. -=-=- Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. -=-=- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? -=-=- How does Teflon stick to the pan? -=-=- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand. -=-=- I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you. -=-=- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. -=-=- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. -=-=- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. -=-=- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. -=-=- I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -=-=- I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke. -=-=- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. -=-=- I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. -=-=- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. -=-=- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. -=-=- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? -=-=- If you lend someone 20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. -=-=- If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. -=-=- It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. -=-=- Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. -=-=- No one is listening until you make a mistake. -=-=- Save the whales. Collect the whole set. -=-=- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. -=-=- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. -=-=- The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. -=-=- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. -=-=- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. -=-=- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. -=-=- There's too much blood in my caffeine system. -=-=- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. -=-=- We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart? -=-=- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? -=-=- What's the speed of dark? -=-=- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? -=-=- Why is abbreviation such a long word? -=-=- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? -=-=- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you. -=-=- You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! -=-=- My goal in life is to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am. -=-=- To err is human; to moo, bovine. -=-=- I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle. -=-=- Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting.
