C h u c k N o r r i s
15 years, 7 months & 5 days ago
19th Oct 2008 10:09 **The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
*When God said, "Let there be light!" Chuck Norris said, "Say please."
**Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
**Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident...and still managed to walk it off.
**Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as giraffes.
**Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
**Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
**Chuck Norris eats steaks for every single meal. Most of the time he forgets to kill the cow.
**What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
**If you spell "Chuck Norris" in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
**Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice his steaks.
*Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris once taught a class called "Ass Kicking 101". There were no survivors.
*Do you know why Baskin Robins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
**Chuck Norris isn't funny, stop laughing.
**Chuck Norris is suing NBC for their show "Law & Order" claiming it is the trademarked names of his left and right legs.
**The original name of the movie was Alien vs Predator vs Chuck Norris, but the producers realized that nobody would ever watch a movie that only lasted fourteen seconds.
**When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror, it breaks because it is smart enough to know not to get in the middle of Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
**The following is a short list of things Chuck Norris cannot do: .
*Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one.
*Chuck Norris once went sky diving and promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
**Chuck Norris had his tonsils removed with a chainsaw.
*A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
**There is no 'Ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
*When Chuck Norris falls in water, he doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
*Curiosity didn't kill the cat. chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked it in the face.
*Chuck Norris can speak braille.
*Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
*Chuck Norris can dribble a football.
*Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
*Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
*Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
*Chuck Norris makes onions CRY!
*There are no such things as tornadoes. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
*Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
*Chuck Norris /can/ touch MC Hammer.
*Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
*Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
*Chuck Norris can eat just ONE Lay's potato chip.
*Chuck Norris has a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is scared of the dark, but the dark is scared of Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toe. He accidentally breaks chairs, bed frames, and sidewalks.
**Chuck Norris won a car on the Price is Right by guessing that a can of tuna was worth $9,534.
**One time, while Chuck Norris
was filming an episode of Walker: Texas Ranger, the production team brought on a guy to hold up cue cards. Norris roundhouse kicked that guy in the pancreas, and proceeded to speak every line in the script in perfect Swahili, just out of spite.
**Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
*Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, but the man ate a f*cking Jeep.
*If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
*Chuck Norris' dog is trained
to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take sh!t from anyone.
*Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
*Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
**There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
*There was once a 51st state, known as New Idaho. It has not been heard of since it snubbed Chuck Norris as governor and was roundhouse kicked into a parallel dimension, along with Chuck's virginity and the last sonofab!tch that overcooked his panda bear steaks. Chuck Norris eats his panda raw.
**Chuck Norris created all the accents in the world by punching everybody in the throat each in a different way.
*Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
**If you misspell "Chuck Norris" on Google, it won't correct it. It just says you have 10 seconds to live.
**Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
*Ever see the Hulk cry? Chuck Norris has.
**When Chuck Norris does his laundry, he prefers the gentle cycle. He can't feel a difference, but he thinks softer clothes helps him blend in with mortals.
*Chuck Norris let the dogs out. Then he hunted down and brutally murdered each one of them using dead babies he had tied together as nun-chucks.
*Chuck Norris whistles in German.
**As a young lad, Chuck Norris' parents warned him of household toxins that little Chuck should avoid. Proving his superior wit and strength, Chuck then shattered a thermometer and drank the mercury, ate a handful of lead-filled paint chips, and chased it all down with a shot of Clorox. Disappointed in his parents, Chuck roundhouse kicked his dad, and then ripped off his mother's left hand and btch slapped her with it. How dare they patronize Chuck Norris!
*If you re-arrange the letters in Chuck Norris you can spell the name Ron Hucksirc. If there is a Ron Hucksirc out there... you're probably going to die soon.
*Chuck Norris once won a bet against Lays by eating just one. Since the Lays executives had not defined the stakes of the bet, Chuck took their lives as his reward.
*An average adult's intestine produces about half a liter of flatulent gas per day. Chuck Norris's intestine produces four feature length films every year, all written and directed by his spleen.
*Chuck Norris sank the Titanic with a slow-motion roundhouse kick because Chuck Norris can't stand that Celine Dion song.
**The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
**On April Fools of 1986, Chuck Norris pranked the United States by killing everyone in the state of Minnesota.
*Chuck Norris tweaked his Harley to give it four wheel drive.
*If you p!ss off Chuck Norris, your life expectancy is negative 5 seconds.
*Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man into next week. He then roundhouse kicked himself into next week, so he could roundhouse the man another week forward.
*If Chuck Norris ever actually submitted a fact on this site it would be the last thing you ever read, because it would literally come through the screen and snap your neck.
**Chuck Norris is the deadliest man in world. He is also a mean chess player and sings in the town choir.
**Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bull riding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee, Wisconsin
to pick up his dry cleaning.
*Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
*Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness, and possibly foot-sized bruises on the face.
*Chuck Norris is currently suing MySpace for taking the name of what he calls "everything around you".
*Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
*Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
*Superman once watched an episode of Walker: Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
*Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black
holes. They taste like chicken.
*Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
*Chuck Norris knits sweaters in his free time. And by "knit" I mean "kick" and by "sweaters" I mean "babies."
*Chuck Norris was about to send an e-mail before he realized it would be faster to run.
**Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
*If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris, your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?!
*If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
*Chuck Norris once picked a fight with a duck. The duck turned out to have several 10th degree black belts, and was the most formidable adversary Chuck Norris ever faced. Funny how random the universe can be.
*To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a
day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing
for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
*Chuck Norris has a pet kitten--every night for a snack.
*There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
*On his birthday, Chuck Norris chooses one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
*Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
*Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
*The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case, the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
**Touching Chuck Norris' beard will increase your life expectancy by 6 years. Unfortunately, the following roundhouse kick will reduce your life expectancy by 300. You do the math.
*Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
**When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
*Chuck Norris can't finish a color by number because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
*If Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris misses you with the
roundhouse kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
*Chuck Norris had seven children. Four of them went on to become doctors. The other three were delicious.
*Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
**There really are two ways to kill a werewolf: a silver bullet and Chuck Norris. Only, Chuck Norris is a werewolf and can outrun a silver bullet.
*In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18-hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.
*Chuck Norris once overdosed on heroin. He didn't even notice.
*Chuck Norris believes that a flamethrower is an essential part of a well balanced breakfast.
*Chuck Norris ate Mike Tyson's children.
*Angered by the fact that Hurricane Katrina was not named Hurricane Chuck, Norris went on a killing spree. It is been rumored that he mutilated 7 meteorologists, 15 journalists, and 3 unrelated civilians. He was seen later on screaming "Who's a CAT 5 now b!tch?!"
*Chuck Norris is both blessed and cursed with the ability to destroy anything by merely by looking at it. To prevent this from happening, Chuck personally removed his eyes and now uses Bob Saget as the stick blind persons use to locate objects in their path. He can also use incredibly high pitched Karate screams as sonar.
*The song, "I Can See Clearly Now," was created after Chuck Norris slaughtered 203,945 people in midair. The rain of blood lasted days. Jesus was p!ssed.
**Chuck Norris and Snoop Dogg once had a free style rap battle so awesome that people now celebrate the holiday Easter to remember the day.
*Chuck Norris' urine gets 57 miles to the gallon in any Kia. Upon learning that his urine was being used as an alternative energy source to gasoline by a foreign automobile company, Chuck Norris began drinking nuclear waste. Over 1300 Kia owners perished from radiation before scientists identified the problem. Chuck Norris is not sorry.
**There are three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way and the Chuck Norris way. The Chuck Norris way is just the wrong way but with more roundhouse kicks.
*Most people say Chuck Norris' teeth are green from eating grass. But contrary to the popular belief, it's because he eats leprechauns for dinner.
*It is believed that the magnetic poles of the Earth switch every 200,000 years. Not surprisingly, this coincides exactly with how often Chuck Norris is clumsy enough to stub his toe.
**Chuck Norris can kill two birds with one stone. "Birds" meaning 20 men, and "stone" meaning his fist.
**In Swahili, there are 38 words for "Chuck Norris," but only one way to say "Just roundhouse kicked my grandmother in the face."
*As a baby, Chuck Norris ate nails and staples.
*Chuck Norris paints his house red by throwing new born babies against the walls.
**Chuck Norris once hit the lottery. It was pronounced dead at the scene.
*The Leaning Tower of Pisa was the result of a light Chuck Norris roundhouse kick that actually took place in Poland.
*Chuck Norris's real name is Switchblade Killingsworth. He changed it to Chuck Norris because it sounded tougher.
*Chuck Norris viciously attacks Bill Gates anytime he needs lunch money.
**Chuck Norris auditioned for the role of Albus Dumbledore for the movie "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban". They respectfully sent him on his way before realizing he was a real wizard capable of using real magic.
*Legend has it that the monster Medusa, whose gaze would petrify those who met it, was defeated by Perseus when he held out a mirror to her, causing her to see her own hideous face and thus become petrified herself. This legend is completely wrong. Perseus actually held out a shield with a picture of Chuck Norris attached to the front. Medusa then became the first being to ever be literally scared to death.
**The reason behind the Daylight Savings Time is because when Chuck Norris moves, he sets the Earth's orbit off. We must accommodate him or he'll kick our heads off.
**Chuck Norris can kill your thoughts.
**Chuck Norris once hit a 900 ft. home run. Even more amazing, he was playing tennis at the time.
*The only reason Rice Crispy cereal snaps, crackles, and pops, is because a mini Chuck Norris is in the cereal bowl, snapping the rice's neck, cracking their ribs, and popping their knee caps.
**Chuck Norris' body temperature is 98.6 degrees...Celsius.
*There is no such thing as love. There is only the absence of Chuck Norris' rage.
**Chuck Norris's softer side was shown when he helped an old lady across the street one day. However, Chuck Norris can only be nice for 15.24 seconds, so he ate the old lady after that amount of time had elapsed.
*Chuck Norris once created the most intricate secret handshake ever. None of his friends were able to learn it so he cloned himself solely for the use of the handshake.
*Jesus was sent to die for the sins of man when it became apparent that his older brother, Chuck Norris, was incapable of dying.
**The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
**Chuck Norris once fell into a pool of bubbling magma. He nearly drowned.
*Chuck Norris briefly played two seasons of minor league baseball for the Austin Ranchers in 1972. He wore a uniform made of denim.
*Chuck Norris loves cute little puppies. He especially loves them on rye with some pepper jack and a dash of paprika.
*Chuck Norris' bag of animal crackers consists of real animals.
*Chuck Norris once saw his reflection in the mirror and challenged himself to a deathmatch. This quandary caused the universe to implode.
*Chuck Norris doesn't like Jared from Subway. He was quoted as saying, "I can't respect anyone that eats sandwiches to lose weight. Jared is a b!tch."
*Chuck Norris was banned from the eating competitions after a hot dog eating contest in which he ate five contestants and a judge by mistake.
*The pope prays to Chuck Norris.
**Chuck Norris becomes infuriated when he sees men cry or frown. Recently, he has been spotted at funerals, roundhouse kicking grieving men in the face until their mouth is fixed in a cold, emotionless position. Chuck Norris is a real man, and real men do not react to life.
*A kid once stole Chuck Norris' hat and ran into an apple orchard. Chuck Norris flew into such a rage that he accidentally invented apple sauce.
*Chuck Norris hates it when people have lisps, so he roundhouses kicks them in the throat, silencing them for all eternity.
**While still in the womb, Chuck Norris cut his own umbilical cord because "he didn't need anyone's help".
*Mess with the bull and you'll get the horns. Mess with Chuck Norris and you fcking die a long slow horrible death that involves kittens, midgets, and Republicans.
**Chuck Norris' first job in the movies was on "The Exorcist". His job was to roundhouse kick Linda Blair in the face every time the scene called for her head to spin around. They asked him to leave after decapitating three stunt doubles.
**Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
**Chuck Norris has never played a game of football in his life but is still in the Hall of Fame and holds 17 NFL records.
**Chuck Norris can play ping pong with an ironing board and a watermelon.
**Chuck Norris doesn???t have a horn in his pick-up truck. Instead he channels all his road rage in one gigantic roar of pure manhood. The roar is so powerful that it makes all the other vehicles implode instantly, killing everybody sitting inside them. He then roundhouse kicks his way out of his imploded truck.
*A man once attempted to give Chuck Norris a hug. Chuck proceeded to kick the crap out of the man. Chuck Norris' father was confined to a wheelchair from that day on.
*Chuck Norris once won a hot dog eating contest by consuming 100 hot dogs and six contestants in under three minutes.
*Chuck Norris was in line at the deli when Ellen Degeneres approached him from behind and asked if she could order before him because she was in a rush. Chuck Norris asked her what she wanted and she replied, "three pounds of turkey and two and a half pounds of ham." Before she knew what happend Chuck was gone. He came back two minutes later with a sandwich that only a man like Chuck Norris could eat. It had three pounds of turkey and two and a half pounds of ham in it. Chuck then delivered a fatal round house kick to Ellen's head and said, "No one cuts The Chuck." He then ate the sandwich over her corpse.
*When driving in his SUV, Chuck Norris always swerves out of the way if a squirrel is in the road. Not because he finds their antics amusing, but because it gives him a chance to run over pedestrians.
*Whenever Chuck Norris's wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.
*Chuck decided to take a day off once, so he created the koala to keep things in check while he was away. Hence the koala is the most vicious and dangerous creature in existence. Do not let the cuddly outside fool you.
**One time, while Chuck Norris was filming an episode of Walker: Texas Ranger, the production team brought on a guy to hold up cue cards. Norris roundhouse kicked that guy in the pancreas, and proceeded to speak every line in the script in perfect Swahili, just out of spite.
*When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
*Chuck Norris killed the producers of the movie "BrokeBack Mountain" for stealing the name of the pile of dead ninjas in his backyard.
**Before the invention of sliced bread, people used to say that something was the greatest invention since Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris already knew this and got tired of hearing people say this. So Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every loaf of bread in the world, therein inventing sliced bread to take the burden off his name.
*Chuck Norris has yet to find footwear that does not explode when exposed to the sheer might of his feet. As such, he has developed the ability to morph his feet to mimic any type of shoe or boot, anytime.
**The fight scene between Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee near the end of "Return of the Dragon" required 58 takes because Chuck Norris kept accidentally beating Bruce Lee. Finally after shooting the scene 57 times, a stunt double had to be brought in to replace Chuck Norris. This stunt double was, of course, a young Vin Diesel.
*If you poke Chuck Norris in the belly, he will say "Hoo-hoo!" like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Then roundhouse kick you.
**The one dollar bill originally had Chuck Norris on it, but the beard kept getting caught in vending machines.
*If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will appear and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.
*Godzilla is based on a true story about when Chuck Norris was filming a movie in Japan and found out that all they had to eat was rice.
*What is the only thing worse than Chuck Norris with a gun? Chuck Norris without a gun.
*While vacationing in Africa, Chuck Norris was attacked by a group of hungry lions. Unfazed, he strangled them to death and proceeded to dislocate his jaw and ribcage so he could swallow his prey whole.
*If you shaved off Chuck Norris' beard, you would find a tattoo of an identical beard underneath.
**Chuck Norris does not CHOOSE to avoid heroin. In order for a needle to pierce his skin, it needs to travel 0.96 times the speed of light and exceed the temperature of the center of the sun.
**The Earth spins because Chuck Norris uses it as a treadmill.
*Chuck Norris once copied the answers to a worksheet in Biology. A black kid noticed this, and told him he had just gotten G points. Chuck asked the kid what were G points. The kid replied with, "Gangsta points!" Upon hearing this, Chuck Norris thought back to his days as a kid in Fresno. So he stabbed the kid with a knife and roundhouse kicked him in the face, now he has 50 G points.
*Chuck Norris doesn't have a car. You don't need one when you can fly.
*If you ever hear Chuck Norris discussing "religion" or "the afterlife," stay away. He will typically try to get his point across by "sending someone to hell."
*Before Chuck Norris shoots a scene for Walker, Texas Ranger, he eats two bowls of Cheerios garnished with cocaine.
*When Chuck Norris was in pre-school, his teacher taught him the lyrics and motions to "I'm a Little Teapot." Chuck was so offended by the thought of his teacher calling him a teapot, he roundhouse kicked her to the face. He then continued to eat her flesh and and construct an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower with her bones.
*Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
**Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
**A man once attempted to give Chuck Norris a hug. Chuck proceeded to kick the crap out of the man. Chuck Norris' father was confined to a wheelchair from that day on.
*Chuck Norris once injested Pop Rocks while drinking Coke, and lived to tell about it. He then proceeded to btch slap the Pope for saying how much Walker Texas Ranger sucked.
**The only difference between Chuck Norris and Superman is that Chuck Norris eats graded Kryptonite on his salad and pasta at The Olive Garden.
*Chuck Norris can crap bricks of gold or small children of any race.
*Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
*Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
*Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
*When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.
*Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
*Chuck Norris doesn't drink Red Bull, he drinks the red blood of bulls.
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