MaraPets - MarauderatMidnight

7 entries · 3 comments · since 2008

Two boys snuck out of the History of Magic classroom, closing the door gingerly behind them.

???C???mon!??? the first whispered. ???We aren???t going to get a better chance than this, George!???

The boy called George cast one more glance at the door, guiltily.

???Won???t he notice we???re gone, though????

The other boy rolled his eyes. ???We???ve only been here for one week and I already know that no one notices if you skip Binns??? class. Now come on, we???ve got two floors to go up!???

After saying this he began to sprint down the hall, leaving George in his proverbial dust.

???Oy???Fred! Wait up!??? George panted, trying to catch up with his twin. ???What???re you in such a rush for, anyway????

???What d???you mean???? Fred had now slowed to a brisk walk, and George jogged the few remaining meters to walk alongside him. ???Aren???t you excited to see if it???s really there? Seriously, this is a secret room of some sort! This could be the start of a wonderful career!???

???Yeah, I???m excited and everything,??? George began, ???but what if Charlie was just messing us around? I don???t want to have a ruptured appendix and nothing to show for it.???

???Oh, please,??? Fred snorted. They had now reached a statue of a particularly ugly, stooped, and cycloptic witch, and both began to contemplate it curiously. ???Your precious appendix will be just fine???.???

He pulled out his wand and tapped the witch???s hump, murmuring, ???Dissendium.???

The hump opened up enough to admit a sizeable person, and the two stared into the darkness, mesmerized.

???It???s sort of???.empty,??? Fred started, trying to keep the disappointment out of his voice. ???Shouldn???t there be something in there????

???Reminds me of your brain,??? George returned eloquently. ???It???s a secret passageway, duh.???

???Really???? Fred???s face brightened. He put a foot on the edge of the opening and gestured for George to follow him. ???Let???s go!???

???Hang on,??? George said abruptly. Fred looked impatient. ???We should light our wands first; you know, in case there???s something in there we could trip over.???

???You really need to lose that common sense,??? Fred told his brother sternly. George nodded agreement, but they lit their wands anyway. A long, cavernous tunnel was spread out before them.

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MarauderatMidnight4 Apr 20090comments

Mischief-Making for Dummies: Pts. VI and VIIMarauderatMidnight

VI- The Marauder???s Map

Aha! The coup de grace! (If you don???t speak French, that means it???s pretty damn important.) The Marauders??? finest legacy, aside from the semi-eternal stench that follows Snivellus around. Priceless, especially since everyone thinks he???s just naturally repulsive, not that I???m disagreeing with that, or anything.

But anyway, this is the tool to much of our wrongdoing, and it would definitely come in handy for a newbie to the business.

Before we leave, one of us will plant this map in the ???Confiscated and Highly Dangerous??? drawer in the caretaker???s office. It will look like a nondescript bit of parchment, which is why it will be perfectly safe. If you should, for some reason, find yourself in this office, it???s advisable to let off a few Dungbombs for a distraction, and grab the map out of this very intriguing drawer.

Once you have the map in your possession, simply tap it with your wand and say ???I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.??? (Ingenious, huh? And most likely true, anyway.) It will yield, in my professional and most humble opinion, the most wicked awesome map of Hogwarts ever made.

It shows all the secret passageways that I have mentioned in the previous section, but that???s not all. (How much genius can one person have, you ask? Well, I feel obligated to give Prongs about one third of the credit, and Moony and Wormtail can split a fifth. But other than that, all mine.) Every person in Hogwarts???and Peeves, too???shows up where they are, at any given moment! Now is that not brilliant? (Chorus of adoring fans: Yes! Yes! We love you, Sirius! Music to my ears.)

Historical Note???This also came in handy for the whole stalking Evans thing.

And once you???re done with whatever it is you???re doing, tap it with your wand and say ???Mischief managed!??? It???ll go blank again.

VII- A Word from the Marauders

I figure that, since I said in the introduction that this book is Marauder-approved, I should probably get them to approve it. And they have most generously obliged.

Mr. Prongs wholeheartedly approves this handbook, and would like to add that he didn???t know Mr. Padfoot had a literate side. Also, he only accepted being Head Boy because Evans is Head Girl, and Mr. Padfoot knows that perfectly well. And I did NOT stalk her!

Mr. Wormtail agrees with Mr. Prongs, and believes that

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MarauderatMidnight4 Apr 20090comments

Mischief-Making for Dummies: Pts. IV and VMarauderatMidnight

IV- Do???s and Don???ts of Mischief

If the previous section was the best section, this one is the most important. You may think of this as peer pressure, and you would be right. But, if you don???t follow these simple ???guidelines,??? nobody will respect you for the wisecracker that you are.

DO get your name out there. It doesn???t matter how you do it, just make sure everyone knows that you are the one behind all the good stuff.

DON???T be a teacher???s pet. Whatever you do.

DO come up with a specific enemy, and get to know their traits and mannerisms. It helps later on.

DON???T be afraid to prank the teachers. If you ask me, they need to come down off their high hippogriffs every once in a while. Of course, nobody does seem to ask me???.

DO make sure whatever you say/do is funny. You can kill your image with a single Hynemann-esque corny joke.

DON???T drop one-liners such as ???We???ll see who???s laughing tomorrow???.??? to your next victims, however tempting it may be. It completely loses the element of surprise; and anyway, it???s not as if someone???s writing a novel about you and you have pressure to be as melodramatic as possible.

DO believe in yourself and your talents. If you don???t think you???re funny, nobody else will.
DON???T ever hold a position of authority. Quidditch Captain is okay, but not prefect and definitely not Head Boy or Girl. (This means you, Prongs! Think of all the young mischievous minds you are poisoning???.)

DO exercise your lack of authority in the most commanding way possible. (i.e.- stealing the best chairs, telling people off for interrupting your plotting, etc.)

DON???T sweat detentions. They???re inevitable, and if you get used to them, they???re not that terrible. Especially not if you hit on the teacher the whole time, regardless of gender.

V- General Knowledge

The general knowledge part of this handbook definitely takes the proverbial cake for ???most useful.??? Included are all the secret passageways, rooms, and just plain cool stuff Hogwarts has to offer, which is a surprising lot.

Secret Passageways

There are about four good passageways; there are seven in all, but the teachers know about the other three. Most of them lead to somewhere in Hogsmeade.

1. The One-eyed Witch Passage: Obviously, you already know about this one and ho

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MarauderatMidnight4 Apr 20090comments

Mischief-Making for Dummies: Pt. IIIMarauderatMidnight

III- April Fool???s Day

Finally, right? The thing you???ve all been waiting for? Well, if it wasn???t, it should???ve been. April Fool???s Day is practically my holiday???okay, all the Marauders??? holiday???and the mere fact that I am giving you advice should knock your figurative socks off. So, without further ado, the main part of the section! [Applause cue???.]

First Stage???Plot

A good time to perform this stage is during History of Magic; you might have to forego your nap, but it???s worth it, trust me. Simply relax, and let your mind (if you still have one) drift into the obscure, creative thoughts that form the basis of a good prank.

Since this is a handbook, I feel compelled to give you a cheesy example of each stage.

So, let???s say there???s this bloke named Johnny Jester. Johnny decides he needs an idea for a prank. He sits down and thinks hard for two hours, missing Quidditch practice and a date with his girlfriend in the process. Johnny Jester???s girlfriend later breaks up with him because of this, but that???s not the point.

After his two hours of thinking, Johnny Jester gets an idea. He will cover the Slytherins??? robes with flowers that can???t be removed unless they say ???I love you??? to a non-Slytherin, and mean it.

Second Stage??????The Impractical Joke???

After developing your plan, you may feel the urge to share it with someone. Do your best to suppress this urge. However, if you find that you need to tell someone, do not ask their opinion. They will invariably be critical of it, and claim that it will never work. Do not attempt to explain to them that the most unlikely plots have a tendency to succeed where the likely ones fail. They will not understand. Do not let their cynicism deter you. They are probably just jealous of your skills and creativity.

Johnny Jester, unlike you, does not have this handy-dandy instruction book. He tells his friend, Danny Doubter, about his plan to bedeck the Slytherins??? robes with flowers. (For the sake of interest, Danny Doubter is now dating Johnny Jester???s ex-girlfriend.) Danny Doubter expresses some problems he finds in Johnny???s plan. Johnny Jester is not the type of person that takes criticism well. He hexes Danny Doubter, and Danny Doubter spends the rest of the week in the Hospital Wing.

What Johnny Jester did to his friend Danny is perfectly acceptable, although I wo

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MarauderatMidnight4 Apr 20090comments

Mischief-Making for Dummies: Pt. IIMarauderatMidnight

II- A Guide to Classes and their Teachers, but Mostly the Teachers, Because They???re More Fun

Unless you are the improbable first year, you???re probably saying to yourself, ???I don???t need this! I already know everything I need to know about the teachers and classes!???

That???s where you???re wrong. For example, did you know that Professor Flitwick was once a Seeker for the Caerphilly Catapults? I didn???t think so. So shut up, smart-ass, and read. You might accidentally learn something.

Professor McGonagall

I know you???re all dying to hear some dirt on the big cheese, so I???ll just start with her.

Fact One: She dated You-Know-Who when they were in school.

Did you actually fall for that?! Merlin, you???re pathetic. I???ll give you two good reasons why that is ridiculous, insane, and???.I can???t say what I was going to say next because it wouldn???t be politically or morally correct. (But it wasn???t ???plausible.??? Just so you know.) One???Does she really look that old? I mean, I know we gave her some grey hairs (okay, a whole head full of ???em), but he???s a geezer compared to her! Two???Even Minnie???s not that desperate. I know this because she turned ME down. Now that???s willpower!
Fact Two (this one???s actually a fact): She failed her Transfiguration O.W.L. the first time and had to retake the class over the summer.

Yeah, crazy, I know. I didn???t believe it at first, either. Well, actually I did, but I wouldn???t have if she wasn???t under the influence of Veritaserum at the time.

Fact Three: At the end of every term, she goes to the Three Broomsticks with Professor Dumbledore and they get wasted together.

No, I did not make this up. I saw them at it. Don???t ask me the details; I Obliviated myself of them shortly after repairing my melted eyeballs.

A note about Transfiguration: It???s virtually impossible to sleep, pass notes, or be generally inattentive. Minnie???s got the eyes of a hawk, senses of a shark, and PMS of a woman.

Professor Flitwick

Before you ask, the Seeker thing is real. We were doing Cheering Charms one day, and someone hit him by mistake and he started telling us all these great stories about his youth (you know, the days when they walked to school; rain, sleet, snow, shine, or frogs, uphill both ways???) .

Fact One (two, technically, but who???s counting?): R

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MarauderatMidnight4 Apr 20090comments