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BreezyPopCan
  1. Anime Aimee
    11th Oct 2009 19:27
    16 years, 9 months & 20 days ago
BreezyPopCan
BreezyPopCan 8 Comments
Anime Aimee
16 years, 9 months & 20 days ago
11th Oct 2009 19:27

A story inspired by the Taylor Swift Song,"You Belong With Me."

Aimee finished sketching.She looked at the drawing. It was anime sketch of Zach and her. She added a heart on the bottom and put it into her sketch book. Aimee placed it under the bed. She sighed. Zach wasn't really her bf, but she could dream. Aimee brushed a long black lock out of her face and pushed her glasses up. She looked around her room. Aimee had covered one wall with drawings, another wall with messages she wrote to Zach. The walls were a cream color with green carpet. Her bed was a twin sized bed with light blue bedding. Aimee had also placed her art tools next to her window. She looked out her window and smiled. Zach was on the phone, probably with his gf and he was looking distressed.

She wrote on one of her sketch pads,"You ok?"

She then tapped on the window and he turned. She held up the sign.

He smiled, a small smile, then frowned again and wrote,"Tired of drama."

Zach then showed it to her.

Aimee smiled too and wrote,"Sorry.: ("

She showed it to him. They looked at each other and Zach shut his curtains.

Aimee bit her lip and wrote,"I love you."

She showed it to his curtains and then ripped it off. Aimee sighed. She needed to cheer up, so she decided to dance. She grabbed her hairbrush and danced around her room, singing into the hairbrush too. Zach opened his curtains and smiled. Aimee could always make Zach smile. Her long black hair and glasses could too. Aimee curled up onto her bed and fell asleep. He watched her sleep for a little bit, then went to bed too Early next morning Aimee woke up. Zach was still asleep, she could tell, from his soft snoring. Aimee sketched another anime drawing of Zach and her. She then brushed her hair and slipped on her white tee shirt. She added her jeans and green sweater too. She walked downstairs to breakfast, where her twin eight year old sisters Aly and Lya were quarreling. She broke up the fighting and her mother,Lynn, placed down pancakes and apple juice.

"Good luck in band today love. I can't be there though. Marcy has me working late tonight." Lynn said to Aimee and kissed the top of her head."I have some left over pizza in the fridge for dinner ok?"

Aimee nodded and Lynn whisked off to her job at Wally's Restaurant. Aimee only had band today, as it was Saturday. She decided to go to the park to read. She was reading on the park bench as Zach walked up. They began laughing and talking. He smiled his brillant smile, which he never did when his gf was around. Zach grabbed a fly a way strand of her hair and tucked it behind her ear. They looked into each other's eyes until Jenna, his gf, drove up. She beckoned and he smiled. Zach stood up and went into the car. They drove away. She sighed and read her book til 4:00. She walked home and heated up the leftover pizza. Her sisters came down from their rooms to eat. Aimee finished eating and washed the dishes. The twins went back upstairs and Aimee changed into her band uniform. She grabbed her clarinet and went to her high school, where the band would be playing at a football game. Zach was the quarterback and Jenna was head cheerleader. She cheered for Zach in between songs and at the end Jenna talked to Zach quite rudely. Aimee went home and changed into her tee shirt and jeans. She pulled her hair into a pony tail and went up to her room to begin studying. Zach was in his room, getting ready for the prom later this night.

He wrote,"You going tonight?"

He then showed it to her.

Aimee responded,"No,studying."

Zach wrote,"Wish you were here!"

He showed it to her and Aimee smiled. He left for the prom and Aimee looked at her I love you note. She took off her glasses and folded up the note. She then put her contacts in and carried the note to the attic. Thete in the old chest was her moter's white prom dress. She slipped it on and went back downstairs. She put the note in her purse and brushed her hair. She even put on makeup. She went out the door and walked to the prom. When Zach saw her, he ditched Jenna and went torwards Aimee. She took the note out of her purse and showed it to him. He took a similar note out of his jacket and showed it to her. Aimee smile and hugged him. He drove her home and hugged her. She walked up to her room and fell asleep on the bed. Zach watched her sleep before he fell asleep. Early that morning, Aimee put on a yellow top, and a floral skirt. She skipped down the stairs and went to the park. Zach was the only one there. Aimee ran to him and cupped his face in her hands. He leaned closer and their faces were touching. He cupped her face.

And they kissed.


BreezyPopCanBreezyPopCan
I will,once again I wrote this when I was tired and sick.
Bronze Shield 116 years, 9 months & 17 days ago 14th Oct 2009 15:00
 
You over-use Aimme. Try to spread the qealth of the name down.


Writing is not writing, unless it shows an emotion. As Aqua stating you lack it. Try to describe it in more detail, and use more verbal language aswell.

Describe the dress, and not in a way where it is hard to picture it.

I liked that you saved the kiss to the end and that was very dramatic.

Also try to expand your sentences. This also goes into the describing process.

I hope this helped. I am not too good on the advice category.
Bronze Shield 116 years, 9 months & 18 days ago 13th Oct 2009 19:24
 
BreezyPopCanBreezyPopCan
Ok,thanks.
Bronze Shield 116 years, 9 months & 18 days ago 13th Oct 2009 18:56
 
It's all right.

I think it's overall really choppy; most of your sentences are really short. Could use more descriptive words, too. And when you describe, don't tell - show. I see lots of spots where you're just throwing out the description out there, such as when she's describing her room. Also, it all feels a bit unemotional to me. Try throwing in things that answer questions like, "How does Aimee feel about this?" I know you say things like Aimee likes Zach and stuff, but go in depth; don't just blandly state that Aimee likes Zach.

One more thing - A lot of your paragraphs are huge, then you have a few one-liners, then another huge paragraph. Try to find places where you can split up the paragraph so that it's easier for the reader to read. If you keep the paragraphs like the way you have it now, the reader will tend to just skip over the entire passage. I know I do, whenever I encounter a large paragraph.

However, I've just been covering negative things about the story. I can really see where you got your inspiration [you belong with me]. It's a very cute story line, and I like the fact that you didn't keep it exactly like the music video.

Overall, it needs a little bit of work, but with a little bit of fixing here and there, I'm sure it'll turn into something brilliant. ;D
Bronze Shield 116 years, 9 months & 18 days ago 13th Oct 2009 18:31
 
BreezyPopCanBreezyPopCan
Thanks for that comment.
I added a little bit more detail,but I feel too crappy to add anymore right now.
Bronze Shield 116 years, 9 months & 18 days ago 13th Oct 2009 17:33
 
I liked it, don't normally like things people write on this site.

But it caught my attention pretty well.

There are some punctual errors. xD those are somethings I didn't miss.

It also seems like there could be much more detail added to it, just seems like you squashed all your ideas together :]

But its really good dear. 8.5/10 keep going at it.

Rate mine in my blogs? Chapter 1 xD..
Bronze Shield 116 years, 9 months & 19 days ago 12th Oct 2009 11:57
 
BreezyPopCanBreezyPopCan
Please.
Bronze Shield 116 years, 9 months & 19 days ago 12th Oct 2009 06:17
 
BreezyPopCanBreezyPopCan
it's not very good, but please leave comments.
Bronze Shield 116 years, 9 months & 20 days ago 11th Oct 2009 19:27
 
  1. Anime Aimee
    11th Oct 2009 19:27
    16 years, 9 months & 20 days ago


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