Appreciate it [OLD]

8/2/2012
Appreciate the mutual love, because I know I would give anything to feel such a love.
I felt the urge to write my story... or you can call it my diary.
I have loved many times, but never was the love reciprocated. Hence why Valentines day has never had a place in my heart.
Yet as of today, I have been feeling the butterflies in my stomach for nearly 2 years. School is the place where it all began.
It's always been hard on me to face him, it makes it even harder because we're friends: I'm close to him, yet I am far from him.
I know our friendship is strong enough if I were to confess my feelings for him, I do have the courage to tell him, but what I don't have is a reason: the little things about him and the way he treats me give away that he doesn't feel the same about me, so I have no reason to confess because
I already know his answer and he would probably wonder why I told him when I have no reason to.
Nevertheless, I really do want to tell him; I want to let all the feelings inside me out.
We're in the same class and this is our last year, I'm in two minds whether I should tell him or not, but I am leaning towards telling him before the end of this year.

He's definitely not perfect, but as time passed by, I came to see him as a perfect person in my eyes. The laughter and amazing moments we have had up until now are so beautiful and yet so painful to remember.
I am genuinely happy when I am around him, my laughter feels real instead of fake. We share a lot of interest in the same things, yet we don't. So we differ somehow from each other.

They say that you should love and be yourself, and only yourself, but I do not. Every time he crosses my mind, I wish I was that exact girl who he would love and cherish like a lover.
I tried to act like his ex-girlfriend which is also a good friend of mine, because I craved that much for his attention.
There were and are times when I wish to be her. I cannot understand why they split up, though they are still sort of friends.
In my eyes whenever I see them talking, I find them a perfect match and then suddenly I feel that I can never receive his love, I feel that I do not have the right to love a guy like him.
Is it more painful to never love or to never be loved back? I would go for the latter.

The most important thing is that your partner sees more in you than you can see in yourself.
So please appreciate that person who holds you dear.


26/2/2012 Sunday
Tomorrow is my birthday and I went out with him along with a few friends. It was definitely one of my best nights which made my feelings harder towards him. The name of his ex was mentioned a few times during the conversation and I couldn??t help but feel that he somehow still has a spot for her.
When I came home, it made me realize that I think that I want to move on, fall out of this deep fancy. Sometimes I regret having amazing fun times with him because recollecting the memories of those times is similar to the process of bleeding... I want to fall out of this love so badly, I think a solution would be him rekindling an old love. He would be happy and I... will be happy with the passing of time, it will be a gradual process.
It??s weird, tomorrow is my birthday but I??m more psyched about our next going out meeting (which will take place in this week). This is how much he is affecting me and somehow it feels wrong. This whole obsession feels wrong...

27/2/2012 Monday
I celebrated my birthday by going to a restaurant. I asked his ex if she would be able to come a half an hour earlier at the rendezvous point so we could talk and she agreed on it. Though to my surprise, someone else whom I invited also came a half an hour earlier whereas I didn't ask her. So the only possible time for a chat was after the restaurant. I told her everything about my night with him and the others, I told her how I felt about him as of now. I said that I had discovered another part of him, the part of being a gentleman though every single amazing thing about him makes it worse for me, because it reminds me of why I fancy him... I asked how she felt towards him and she said that she has moved on, they're friends and that's it. I can't remember when it was, but I once asked him how he is coping with the break up, he said he doesn't know if he still have feelings for her. When in doubt, I assume he still has feelings for her.
I was slightly disappointed by the fact that it is improbable that they will get back together again, I do not feel like I can move on. Sometimes I wish he doesn't follow classes with me, I wish he were to go to another school, that way I would be able to let this deep crush sink in. When I come home, I feel capable of letting him go, but whenever I see him, I cannot shake the home feeling. I yearn for him, that is a fact, unfortunately...
His ex suggested that she could try to find out how he feels about me, but I don't know if I want that. I would love to tell him by myself and preferably in person, but I tend to chicken out the moment I see him, hence why sometimes lean towards the idea of telling through texting or msn.
Her idea is something to think about carefully, I don't know what I want.

3/6/2012 Sunday
I've decided to write about my feelings instead of telling him, so I wrote it all down on a card.
I went to see the movie Dark Shadows in the cinema with him. Thing is, he would have forgotten about this "movie date" if I didn't remind him of the movie, which was a half hour before our meeting time. He paid for my ticket because he felt bad for forgetting, but I paid for the food and drinks, so we're even.
The movie itself was great, but the ending was a bit disappointing... anyhow, we chatted a bit outside and then he decided to walk a part with me which was a 30 to 45 minutes walk. We were talking about everything and it was very nice to have such a conversation. I've had the card all this time, but somehow I couldn't give it to him before the movie which was my goal. We ended up walking at some station and chatted again. When we were about to part ways, I built all the courage and was able to hand him the card. I told him to read it after his last exam, which is on the 19th and that I wouldn't mind if he were to read it before that date because I know how curious that boy is. He said he'd try, I know he'll be able to resist the temptation, I just feel it. Perhaps I should have told him to read it when he got home or something: I'm really anxious about his reaction.