I bet you???re wondering how I wound up here in the first place. Well, let me tell you, it wasn???t a fun adventure. I bet you expect me to tell you about how when I was born, my parents were the happiest little people. They expected their precious little darling to be??? Well, just that-- a precious little darling. In fact, they never named me, because they thought it would ruin my image. What a joke. I think they wanted me to be as pure as I could be. My hair is even white, but it???s cut short. I think long hair is for prissy girls, and my parents wish I were one. But, I???m not here to tell you my life story. In fact, Maf??a says I should only write what I think is important. He???s kind of my savior, in a way. But I guess we???ll get to that later.
It all started when I was in Heaven. Yeah, isn???t that a riot? A lot of people believe that life starts on Earth, and you end up in Heaven afterward. It???s like God???s way of saying, ???April Fool???s!??? I guess, because it turns out it???s the complete opposite. Maf??a says that???s because they have no recollection of being anywhere else. That must suck. He says we have no choice but to forget. So I guess eventually, I???ll grow up and go to Earth, too, and I won???t remember anything. At least I didn???t have to plan my life; someone else has already planned it for me and everyone else that???s here waiting to go to Earth. I won???t even remember this story, so I guess it???s a good thing I???m writing it down now.
Anyway, like I was saying. It all started in Heaven. It wasn???t too long ago, just a couple months. I remember I was playing tag with all my friends. I was getting pretty beaten up, to tell you the truth.
Oh, yeah, surprise number two: You aren???t immortal in Heaven. And we don???t look like ghosts, either. We kind of look like... Tiny dolls. Plushy dolls. It???s kind of weird, but I guess you???ll have to use your imagination. We don???t float; we don???t have golden shining halos. If we did, I???d probably gag to death. We???re white, literally. Don???t think of the race, think of the color, like the color of a piece of paper. We???re white in that sense. We don???t wear clothes; we go around naked because nobody has any ???perverse??? body parts anyway. Women do have larger chests than men, but it???s not much, honestly. We don???t even see God. I don???t remember ever seeing Him around, or seeing anyone bow to any other person. I kind of doubt that he???s here,